Sunday Funnies

From declining home prices to the mortgage mess, 2007 was a wild time for real estate agents and homeowners alike. As we say in our biz, you don’t know when you’ve hit bottom until you find yourself gazing back into the crevasse. It was a year of suffering - wildfires, war, and Sanjaya Malakar - and, as we head into an election year, the question remaining on everyone’s minds is, “Do I have a prepayment penalty?” With that, I bring you my year in review.

January

The Presidential campaigns are in full swing, and Democratic candidate Joe Biden kicks things off in fine form:

I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man.

Americans everywhere take great offense to the slanderous stereotype until he clarifies that he meant to say not “African-American” but “Realtor.” A relieved and understanding public forgives the gaffe. Biden’s approval rating immediately soars.

Meanwhile, the National Association of Realtors issues a statement that it is “a great time to buy.”

February

Do bees have ARMS? In what would later be considered prophetic, University of Illinois’ May Berenbaum remarks, “Imagine waking one morning to find 80 percent of the people in your community are just gone.” While many homeowners are realizing that they may be in danger of losing their homes, the buzz in the scientific community is that bees are vanishing at an astounding rate.

Also this month, the world is asking Dannielynn, “Who’s your daddy?”, while a twelve-year-old Victorville resident reportedly responds to the National Association of Realtors’ call to action and finally realizes his American Dream with the help of a 172% stated income loan brokered by Honest Al’s Factory Direct Furniture & Mortgages Galore.

There is a war going on, but no one notices. They are too busy trying to find their missing bees while some bald chick named Britney is trying to find her missing career. Sadly, there is evidence of neither at the MTV Music Awards.

March

Top United Nations weapons experts find no evidence to suggest that Iraq has an active nuclear weapons program, while an undeterred Dick “Dick” Cheney, citing imminent threat to national security, declares war on all countries ending in the letter “e.”

April

National Association of Realtors Chief Economist David Lereah resigns. In his farewell speech, he bravely predicts that home prices will peak in mid-2005, making mid-2004 a great time to buy!

May

Jerry Falwell dies. No one notices, as everyone is questioning their own faith in a higher power. How could the Big Guy who brought us the Giant Sequoia, the Northern Lights, Stuffed Crust Pizza, and the stated-income loan at the same time allow world hunger, global warming, and David Hasselhoff? This sparks the theory of life being a group blog. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan, heeding the advice of her publicist who said that she should be seen drunk and throwing up more often, is seen drunk and throwing up more often. Redfin’s Glenn Kelman appears on 60 Minutes, which makes a lot of Realtors want to drink and, well, you know. 

June

There is still a war going on, but nobody notices. Concerned that nobody is noticing that there is still a war going on, President “Dick” Cheney declares war on Monaco (now spelled “Monacoe”), just for the hell of it.

Further capitalizing on his patent of the First Person, Steve Jobs releases his latest “i” product, the iDon’tHaveAnyMoreHomeEquity PDA. The attractive touch screen features icons bearing the likenesses of Lotto Tickets, Hummers, and Ben Bernanke.

The National Association of Realtors declares that today at 2:00 pm is a great time to buy!

July

Would you like fries with that, please? A Wendy’s drive-thru employee gets her clock cleaned for not saying the magic words. Always quick to adapt, the National Association of Realtors unveils its new ad campaign, It’s a great time to buy! Please!

Also this month, the 19th and what J.K. Rowlings promises will be the final book in the series is released. Fans line up at midnight to bag their copy of Harry Potter and the Order Of the Senior’s Menu Entree. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowlings begins work on what she promises will be the final book in the series (and she really means it this time), Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone.

August

A mere 55 years after a woman rams a pencil into her brain, the #2 device, more typically associated with writing stuff down, is surgically removed from her head. Dr. Hans Behrbohm, an ear, nose and throat specialist, gets the nod to extract the object, having successfully performed similar procedures involving a Rolling Writer, several Crayola crayons (Burnt Sienna and Midnight Blue), and an entire calligraphy set. Meanwhile, Mattel recalls millions of toys made in China because they may contain dangerous substances like, say, lead.

Scientists conclude that babies who watch videos have more limited vocabularies. In politics, Senator Larry Craig, after having watched the entire sixty-eighth season of Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD in a single sitting, finds himself at a loss for words and resorts to gesturing in an airport men’s room.

Do those wacky scientists ever take a vacation? This month, they report on the discovery of the largest void known to exist. Previously believed to be the San Diego Home Blog December archives, it turns out that a void located 1 billion light years away is slightly more empty and much more entertaining.

September

Iranian President Mahmoud Something Really Hard to Spell declares the whole messy issue of WMD closed. Moving on, and determined to expose and end all terrorist threats, Vice President Bush demands that weapons inspectors be allowed access to the South Bend Montessori School activity room. War is subsequently declared.

October

Al Gore has one crowded mantel as he wins the Nobel Peace Price, this following two Oscar victories for his documentary titled Oh, Crap! It’s Hotter Than Hell Outside, and We are All Gonna Die! His lesser known but critically acclaimed musical Low Voltage Lights on Broadway earned him a Tony. And, his grandson was named Shining Star at Lil’ Leftist Preschool Academy in May.

Wildfires ravaged Southern California. Lessons were learned during the Cedar fire in 2003 when, as a precaution, Scripps Ranch residents were ultimately evacuated from their homes, albeit in 2005, after emergency personnel had successfully extinguished the fire with several spray bottles and a turkey baster. Officials this time around take no chances. All residents of San Diego County, Riverside County, and Butte, Montana, will be ringing in the New Year as they remain under mandatory evacuation “just in case someone smells smoke again.” Reports of airtankers prematurely extinguishing a man’s George Foreman Grill with an 8 million pound blanket of fire retardant are unconfirmed.

November

According to the Realtor.org website:

David Lereah said the “modest gains are expected for home sales. “As the housing market recovers from its correction, existing-home sales should be rising gradually through 2007 - it looks like we may have reached the low point for the current cycle in September.”

No, wait, that happened in November of 2006. In  2007, Mr. Lereah’s successor, Lawrence Yun, has this to say:

While some local markets will do better than others, the national home sales and prices will be similar in 2008 as in 2007.

Now, that’s funny!

December

The White House unveils the popular Do-Over Plan to assist homeowners facing a resetting of their mortgage interest rates from the lower “teaser rates”, or as they are called in the industry, “imaginary friends.” Touted as a “rate increase moratorium… aimed at helping homeowners, not speculative real estate buyers,” the proposal includes some strings. The owners must be current on their payments, thereby suggesting that they can afford the loans they can not afford, their loans must have been originated between February 30th and February 31st, the Year of the Ox, and they must produce x-rays verifying the absence of writing implements in their skull cavities. Three people qualify, but only under the People Who Bothered to Read Their Loan Docs exemption.

Pakistani former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated. There is nothing funny about this. And there is still a war going on.

Wishing you a happy and healthy 2008!

The Declaration of Independence 

If we had a dollar for every time… How many times have we said that? At the risk of compromising our street cred, this latest one is for real. Well, actually, it’s not the latest, as we have been hearing it for about twelve months running. We hear it when we are holding an open house, at the grocery store, at a school function and even at the gas station. We hear it from the prospective buyers. After asking us, “How long has it been on the market?”, ”Why are they moving?”, and “Is there going to be a price reduction soon?”, we inevitably hear the next declaration.

“I think I’ll just wait SIX MONTHS.”

A thoughtful explanation invariably ensues. “My (dentist, Uncle Phil, barber, therapist, insurance guy, mailman) says that in SIX MONTHS it will be the right time to buy.” Of course, these experts have it all over Jim Cramer from CNBC who, as our alert reader ”Rido” pointed out, identified next March as the bottom of the market and, therefore, “the time” to buy homes again. The Federal Reserve Board, most economists, and even the National Association of Realtors have yet different opinions, but what do they know? Naturally, the smart money is on Uncle Phil.

Six months, six months, six months… There are so many people waiting to make a home purchase, and all of these people seem to be zeroing in on a single day 182 1/2 days from now. You heard it here first: All hell is going to break loose.

The one thing we most need in this current market is certainty. Thankfully, we seem to have a quorum and a consensus. All seem to agree that the optimum buying time-frame is six months. The only remaining question is, “Six months from when?”  

We the People 

Somebody has to take a leadership role. So, we are here to bring sanity to the table. A moving target causes angst, it causes frustration and it results in undue stress and premature graying. Wishy-washy targets benefit no one. We need to establish the exact day on when it will be okay for the ever-growing gridlock of buyers to safely venture from the sidelines.

Therefore, let it be known that, in order to create a more perfect union, the time begins now. Six months from today is May 15, 2008. If the barber, the dentist, Uncle Phil, and other studied pundits in our collective spheres of influence are all correct, do you have any idea what will happen on this date? It will be chaos.

Society Without Government 

The latent demand is just too enormous, and anarchy can get ugly. Remember the debut season of Tickle Me Elmo? Imagine, then, a day when throngs of home-seeking buyers take to the streets finally ready to call dibs on their favorite home (you know the one - “model-perfect”, “priced to sell” , “bring all offers”, “koi pond conveys”). And, then, they will proceed to beat the crap out of each other with their respective Zestimates. In order to avoid this impending doomsday scenario, we need to bring not just certaintly but order to the process.

Hail to the Chief

That’s why we propose May 15 as our newest National Holiday, “American Home Buying Day”. This way, we can all count on it and plan accordingly. Government agencies can coordinate traffic control and emergency personnel. Costs to the taxpayers can be offset by selling strategic advertising, such as “593 Shady Sunset Happy Place Lane brought to you by Jim’s Discount Tire and Mortgage.” Real estate agents will have lotteries to determine in which order their clients will get to see each home. “Number three-zero-six: Please report to “Lovingly Maintained 4BR Plus Bonus Room, Owner May Carry.” Thinking about it, this is so much better than the arbitrary way we do business now, just showing multiple and random homes, willy-nilly, over the course of months and months. Now, the conversation will be much different. Buyer: “Can we see the home this weekend?” Agent: “No, you’ll have to wait until American Home Buying Day. Take a number.”

America was made great by increasing efficiency which led to enhanced productivity. Eliminating all but one day a year to buy a home will do the same thing. It’s the six-month solution. We will fly our flag proudly, in the colors of Sienna Sand and Arizona White.

What a great country!

Monday morning cometh. You can almost set your Daytimer by it. I’ll get to items of real estate import soon enough, but what troubles me at the moment is technology. And lighting.

Greg Swann over at my home away from home, the Bloodhound Blog, is gearing up to debut Bloodhound TV. Being a sucker for a new way to overextend myself, and primarily motivated by the fear that I may miss out on something, I have agreed to participate. I am a little sketchy on exactly what it is I have signed up for, but that is characteristic of most of my undertakings.

This web TV thing, I am told, involves both audio and visual components. No more sitting at my computer looking like I am wearing a fright wig, at least not on purpose. No more nachos at the keyboard or using the home office for air drying the delicates. This is Show Biz!

Greg was kind enough (wise enough) to do a dry run with me last week. This TV thing is complicated. I dutifully purchased a webcam and wireless microphone, followed the manufacturers instructions, and Voila! Nothing worked! Well, that’s not entirely true. As we sat staring at our computer screens while chatting on our cell phones, Greg was able to walk me through the complex steps involved in initiating online communication - namely, turn on the webcam.

This is where things got exciting. I could see HIM and he could see ME! Unfortunately, while the soft lighting was quite flattering to a girl whose age can only be determined by carbon dating, it left one with the impression that I was broadcasting from a cave in Pakistan. I will have to work that out.

Then, there is whole “talking” thing. Apparently, there is a little button on the screen which one needs to not only click, but click and hold. So, now, I not only have to be concerned with angling my body to show my “good side” (the back of my head), but I have to talk and click buttons, and preferably (as Greg pointed out) at the same time. Phew.

If that is not enough, I finally got around to reading the product guide that came with my new Bloodhound TV-enabling devices. I am a little worried.

• “Caution: Risk of explosion.” - It seems that if I replace the disposible battery with an incorrect type, things will blow up (namely, me). But, they don’t tell me what correct is. Duracell? Energizer? This could be a game of Russian Roulette.
• “Caution: Risk of explosion.” - Not again! Rechargeable batteries apparently detonate too.
• “Caution: Risk of hearing loss” - What? Something about high volumes when using the headset, but I suspect this only applies if you are simulaneously clicking and speaking. No real chance of that happening.
• “Caution: Use of a keyboard or mouse may be linked to serious injuries or disorders.” - Oh, crap. I have both of those things.
• “Caution: Before boarding any aircraft, remove the batteries (if they haven’t already exploded) and turn the device off. It has an on/off switch.” - Yeah, Greg told me about that switch.
• “Caution: Do not allow children to chew on power cords.” - Microsoft obviously doesn’t have children.
• “Caution: Failure to properly set up this device can increase the risk of serious injury or death.” - If a guy named Guido mysteriously shows up at your front door packing heat, you will know you screwed up.

And, finally:

• “DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS. PROMPTLY SEE A QUALIFIED HEALTH PROFESSIONAL EVEN IF SYMPTOMS OCCUR WHEN YOU ARE NOT WORKING AT YOUR COMPUTER.” - “Doctor, I was chewing on a power cord this afternoon and… No, I wasn’t anywhere near the computer, but now I have this pain in my neck…”

If I live to see my name in lights, it will be nothing short of a miracle.

SAN DIEGO - Several unconfirmed reports were received Sunday of an open house visitor posing as a genuine, qualified home buyer. This man, claiming to be “unrepresented”, allegedly approached agents at several homes in one inland neighborhood inquiring about schools, property taxes and jumbo loan interest rates.

While the typical open house attendee is “just looking” or “has a friend”, this individual claimed to have actual interest in making a purchase and in finding an agent to represent him, thereby raising the suspicions of the open house greeters he encountered.

“Sure, he wants to buy a home”, said one agent as she removed her cinnamon rolls from the oven. “And, I am Mary, Queen of Scots. What does he take me for, a chump?”

“He said that he doesn’t have an agent. Naturally, my radar immediately went up”, said another alert Neighborhood Specialist. “Are you telling me that this guy didn’t trip over three licensed relatives on the way out the door this morning? I told him to get lost.”

One subdivision’s Realtor for Life wasn’t fooled. “If he was who he said he was, he wouldn’t have asked a bunch of stupid questions. No serious buyer tries to engage me in a trivial conversation about the process. No serious buyer cares about the price. Ask me how long the home has been on the market, ask me if the seller is motivated, or ask me if the ”faux finnish paint” I wrote about on the flyer was applied by actual Finns. Then, I know you are serious. By the way, I heart referrals!”

“While he stopped short of acknowledging my existence, he was brazen enough to make actual eye contact”, said one Top Producer who is also a member of the Plutonium Exalted Order of the Reverent Divine President’s Legacy Circle Club. “I shoved a free list of homes and a calendar magnet in his clinched fists and sent him on his way.”

The local Rookie of the Year said she felt victimized and utterly defenseless. “When I dutifully executed the body block maneuver at the front stoop as I was taught, knocking him to the ground while simultaneously thrusting a pen and contract into his hands, I could tell I was dealing with a professional. When I asked if he was working with an agent, he said “No”. There are some things your training simply does not prepare you for!”

Witnesses describe the man as of medium height and build. He was last seen driving a mini-van sporting a “My Child Was Student of the Month” sticker and is possibly armed with a Zestimate and the Sunday paper. Police are advising homeowners and agents to take routine safety precautions. “If a visitor fails to show utter contempt for the agent or begins to speak positively about a home’s features, it is likely a ruse. Contact authorities immediately”.

Thanks to Lani and Benn for this hysterically funny video. I think we may be the last real estate blog in the world to post this but, just in case you missed it, it is worth a laugh.

Today I want to give the Big Props award to the couple who selected us yesterday to represent them in the purchase of their first home. The Big Props are not because they selected us (although, I do respect their nose for talent), but because they took the time to interview agents at all before embarking on their home purchase journey. Sellers have been qualifying their agents for, well, forever, yet buyers rarely take the time and initiative to do the same. For me, I have been asked to truly interview for the Buyer’s Agent job a total of three times in ten years. Buyers, you deserve better. Take a tip from the sellers out there.

If you are uncertain about how to tackle the whole interview thing, I offer the following excerpt from the Home Seller Handbook. (Note: It is currently 182 degrees in San Diego, and I am having a little trouble engaging the small portion of my brain assigned the Serious Real Estate Thought responsibilities).

Selecting Your Agent

If you are planning on selling your home, and assuming that you don’t already have an established relationship with “Your Realtor for Life”, the first thing you will do is set about selecting your agent. You will want to interview several successful agents in your area.

Q: How many agents should I interview and what should I expect?

A: You will start out fully intending to interview three or more qualified, licensed agents, but only the heartiest of souls make it past the first appointment. You should expect the first two hours to consist of an overview of the agent’s Credentials. These credentials will include a dissertation on the superiority of his Company, of the superiority of his Continuing Education expressed as a bunch of confusing acronyms (GRI, CRS, AAA, AARP, NCAA, WMD, SCUBA), and his Client Testimonials. Pay close attention to the testimonials; they should be current. Good testimonial: “The No Place Like Homer Team was exceptional through both the discovery and deposition phases of the transaction last month“. Bad testimonial: “Homer was sensitive to our needs, always scheduling showings and court appearances around the Ed Sullivan Show.”

The next 147 minutes will be devoted to his Marketing Plan, which will outline all of the ways in which he is going to use your listing as an opportunity to market himself, while the final two seconds will focus on Pricing Your Home. The price he recommends will be the price you want to get. You will, of course, ultimately select the agent who offers the lowest commission. One agent may even offer to pay you money to list your home and throw in a free Slurpee if he is on shift next time you stop by his other job. You think this would be a logical choice.

Not so fast! You will want your interviewees to be among the Top Tier of Neighborhood Specialists. The trick here is actually identifying this top tier, top tier being defined as those agents who are the most sincere, caring, ethical, experienced, knowledgeable and photogenic.

Q: There are 37 agents at this very moment milling around the front of my home looking hungry. How do I narrow the field?

A: You can approach the all-important Agent Section Process in one of several ways.

Approach #1: Ask for referrals. These referrals should come from friends and family whose judgement you trust; this “good judgement” thing is key. You may have enjoyed some great times and a pitcher or two swapping war stories with Randy “Duke” Cunningham, but he’s probably not your best go-to guy for character references. The guy who works at the liquor store or Crazy Aunt Margaret might be better choices, the latter only if you are certain she has taken her meds. If you are lucky, both may in fact be themselves licensed, which will certainly streamline the process. In this case, pick the guy at the liquor store. A well-stocked liquor cabinet could come in handy.

Approach #2: Utilize the resources at your disposal (as in, the resources that have been disposed of on your property). Strap on your hip boots and venture out to your front porch. At any given moment, you will find a veritable compost heap of flyers and leaflets from the more active Neighborhood Specialists promoting their talents (and, sometimes, even their listings). Of course, these Courtesy Informational Materials will be at first overwhelming. This is where the Random Selection Process comes into play. Grab a handful (don’t cheat by peeking), knock the snails off of the one on top, and start calling! Unfortunately, the Random Selection Process has been known to result in a home listed by Merry Maids.

Approach #3: Prayer. Pray to your Supreme Being of choice. If you are an athiest, this approach is obviously a little tricky. I once had a listing interview with a gentleman who informed me, “We are moving because God told me that my son should be playing football for (Another) High School.” That’s pretty cool, I thought. His God is the sporting type. At the conclusion of our meeting, he further stated that the family would be speaking to God again that evening to determine whom they should hire to represent them in their sale. Apparently I had made a poor impression on his God (I didn’t get the job), but, hey - Who am I to argue with a deity?

Approach #4: Public Transportation. This approach will require that you venture beyond your front door and navigate your way through the 43 Neighborhood Specialists (their ranks are growing) who have now pitched tents and are enjoying s’mores on your front lawn. If you are resourceful, you will leave your home donning the disguise of a Realtor, which will include a business suite, a name badge, and a steaming mound of papers which at first glance would appear to be MLS printouts but in actuality represents your last year’s tax return. Don’t make eye contact and, if they offer you a s’more, politely decline and say that you are late to a meeting with your client. They will follow, of course, so run, don’t walk to the nearest bus stop. Here, you will see the smiling face of your future agent.

Approach #5: Rock, Paper, Scissors. This will require a rock, paper, scissors, and a partner. Oh, and hip boots (since two of the necessary items will be secured from your front porch). Caution: In order for this approach to yield acceptable results, DO NOT run with the scissors!

Q: I was a hearty soul, took a leave of absence from my job, sent my children to Camp Muddywater for the month of August, and completed the three requisite agent interviews. Now that I have made my selection, how do I break the news to the others? And, can I finish my Slurpee first?

A: You can certainly call each agent who spent their countless hours preparing and their evening delivering their thoughtful presentation in your home while the family in their home ate meatloaf leftover from the Clinton Administration before attending their oldest child’s graduation from Harvard, or you can take the more popular path. Let them just figure it out when they see the yard sign go up. This will serve two purposes, the second being their signal to relocate their encampment to your neighbor’s yard. God knows (because he told you), you’ve been through enough.